She's On My Heart

Its not really that early here, but I'm tired none-the-less.  I've had serious  thoughts rolling over and over again in my mind day and night that have kept me from ever fully resting.  But I can't complain.  They are thoughts that push me, challenge me, and redefine my "in the box" ideas of who my God is.

I'm a simple mother.  Not quite the kind I imagined myself to be, but I am.  But I'm a passionate one.  And my favorite moments of my days are when it is me with my precious one rocking to sleep for nap time.  The fan is blowing and she nestles right into my arms and stares as I pray out loud.  I pray over her.  Her future husband, and the children around the world as innocent as her who don't have arms to nestle into and be rocked.  

Its always in those times that I cry.  Because as much as my heart is full, it hurts.  And there are honest times when I look at her and ask myself, "why did I allow such an innocent soul to enter such an ugly world?"  

I don't regret having my daughter.  She is a gift to be treasured, embraced, nurtured, and loved.  But sometimes I get so overwhelmed by the ugliness this world has to offer and I can't imagine any of that happening to her.  I don't want to imagine.  Then I get frustrated that I have already exposed her to it all just by birthing her.

And sometimes, I have thoughts that say "and now I'll be held back."  I know you think these are terrible thoughts, but then, might you be the ones whispering them?  Like by comments like "you can't go to that country, what about your daughter?  What if you die?  She will lose her mother!"  Or, "you can't up and move there, think about your daughter.!"

All responsible thoughts.  But that's just it, I DO THINK OF HER.  ALL THE TIME.  So when opportunities arise, she's the first one I consider.  Yet, I feel so pulled to a deeper trust than the comfortable trust our culture beckons us to.  A trust that says "If and no matter what."  I desire deeper blessings than that which typically get glorified on facebook and that have less to do with what I get and more to do with what others receive.

 I see her innocence.  I see her desperate need for love and for protection.  I see her desire for hands to hold that will lead her.  I see her heart built to trust.  And all of that I pray, with ever inch of what my heart can hold, I pray that I can do exactly what I have been created to do for her, while at the same time, abandoning the very desires of my own self and the very desires this culture screams at me to crave, and seek the face of my Jesus and His commands.

See, Jesus gave her to me.  He allowed me this gift to raise, to cherish and to teach up in a way that she would also respond to His command to love others, to tell more people about Him, and to Bring Him Glory.  She is my ministry.  She is my child.  She is my heart.  And although my mind can't sometimes grasp her timing, Jesus did so perfectly and wonderfully, and with that, the three of us are a power no man can separate.    

I am far from having it all together!  I don't have the answers to all of life's questions, or many of them for that matter.  I'm a complete mess when it comes to organized thoughts in my head.  And I make terrible, terrible mistakes.  I'm not better than you nor do I claim to be some humble woman in need of pity or accolade.  I merely write the thoughts as I continue to process them.  

   

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Don't forget to check out the "Ask the Husband" post to send in your questions for Jon to answer... It's going to get crrrr.a.z.y!

__________BE:ACTIVE__________