Changed for Good

I can't pretend I'm happy all the time.  I really never thought that as I was soon approaching 25 I would be where I am now.  My life drastically changed almost a year ago, and as these days of candy sharing, turkey guzzling, early morning shopping, and shiny lights and Christmas carols, I find myself caught deeper and deeper into the web of my memories and the ugly spider of guilt is creeping towards me.  

But as each little reminder of the actions I've done swiftly fill my mind, the easier I'm finding myself defeating them.  But sometimes, its hard.  

This week was a hard one in particular.  The reality of our situation was trying to eat at my existence and hope seemed to be fading.  We had 3 promising options, but each one so drastically different that would change the course of our existence, and we were stuck at which to choose.  

But even through the challenges that were coming our way and my mind racing with the memories of last year, I found myself discovering a new lens to look through.  And that saved me.

I have always had a desire to reach to the poor, neglected, and abandoned.  And that desire still burns with a flame that's keeping me warm during this cold season of life. And then it hit me.  I'm able to go through this time so that I can better reach those my heart burns for.  

I have always love the verse: 

"To the weak I became weak, to win the weak.  I have become all things to all men so that by all possible means I might save some." 1 Corinthians 9:22 NIV. 

  

In fact, this was the verse that was printed next to my photo in my Senior yearbook.  And yet, after almost 7 years, I had completely forgot what my heart prayed for.  But I was reminded with the gentle nudge of an empty bank account and dwindling means to provide, that this isn't for a simple trial of life.  This is so I can win.  

So we decided, as a little family, to accept the support of our family in many ways, but we were going to try to trudge this as it were.  Because we wanted to save some.  We want to see life through the eyes of those we want to save.  We want to be able to experience life through their understanding so we can better love them.  We are comfortable in a nice home with food provided, and we know that we cannot fully grasp the life those we see around our area have to live, but we are getting a better glimpse of understanding.

And so, I have been able to kick guilt in the butt and say you're not welcome here.  And the memories that haunt me are opportunities for me to pray.  I can't get rid of my memories.  But I can transform them for good.  I can take the images I see that pierce my heart and allow that to remind me to pray for the faces I see.

And I'm reminded to love on the faces I see every day!  The face I look at when I get up is a face I love more and more as he shows me forgiveness for the wrongs I do towards me.  He lets me walk through my fire and waits for me at the other end with open arms excited for the refined woman I'll have become.

And the face I see that unconditionally loves me despite the beginning stages of her life where I struggled not to blame her for the new situation I was in.  The face that is softening my heart from the hardheartedness that solidified on the day I said my goodbyes.         

I can see her beautiful face light up and I can light up with it.  Her innocence and ignorance to the world around her remind me the possibility of smiling through it.  And all she continues to do and learn challenge me to be better than what I was and love her more than I did the previous day.  And the thoughts that try to drag me down as a mother are broken with each cuddle and kiss I receive.  

So with every new step she takes, I take a new step with her.  I'm inspired by the fearlessness she has as she is determined to learn to walk.  And how innate it is to approach a new part of life and tackle it without having to contemplate what others would say or what affect this has on those around me.  Instead, as she focuses on the foot that's supposed to go in front of the other, its as if its only her in the room overcoming what is handed to her.  

So I see now, that we have been changed for good.  Our story is far from over that the best has yet to be had.  And all the reminders of how good my life is, I preserve for the moments that try to drag me down.  I'm nervous and excited for whats in store, but now I'm learning to see through the lens of the broken and poor.  I'm learning to relish in what little we have so that we can be more effective in this world.