I thought that becoming a mom would kick things into gear real quick for me. Like I would suddenly turn into a Lara Croft, who has no fears and can look a monster in the face, give a smirk and kill it. But, just months after Joss was born something happened that gave me a big reality check: I am still a scaredy-cat.
I hate to admit this story. I really do. I'm embarrassed and ashamed as a mother, wife and person...
My siblings and I were sitting at the dining table for lunch. We had just got back to the house that we thought was empty. We were chit-chatting and my back was to the rest of the house. Joss was sleeping in her car-seat {she fell asleep in the car and didn't want to wake her to take her out of it}. I had turned to look at her and I saw a dark image go across the hallway behind me... I got tense and fear fell over me. Next thing I know, someone comes out of the hallway and into the living room. It just took split-seconds for me to jump out of my seat and run into my bedroom which is right off the kitchen, LEAVING MY BABY IN THE KITCHEN. I totally just abandoned my new, innocent, sleeping baby for the bad guy walking towards us.
Seconds later, I realized it was my dad who had been home. Everyone busted up laughing and then proceeded to point out how I just left my child and I booked it. Oh I felt terrible.
Naturally I wanted to defend myself coming up with some kind of excuse for my behavior, but I could come up with nothing. So here I am months later, still scared to be alone. I don't like the curtains open at night for fear that a face would appear in the window. I don't like going to dark rooms that I haven't just recently been in, in the light. What is wrong with me? I just pray that if ever a seriously dangerous situation would arise {although I also pray it never would}, that I would sacrifice myself and save my baby!
Please Lord, let me conquer fear for the sake of my child!
Oh Jhen! You are not alone! I too face that fear monster every day, and it can be so petrifying at times. At times like those, in the dark with the curtains closed, I cannot help but remember a verse from a G.T. and the Halo Express tape...
ReplyDeleteSo do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10
I'm looking for the cds now for my son. God is good :)
I'm sorry about that, but it's so very funny!! Deep down you knew it wasn't anybody dangerous! :)
ReplyDeleteDH goes out of town once a month for reserves and Tyler and I get stuck here alone asking each other, "WHAT WAS THAT NOISE?"
Jhen... I have a feeling you and I would be good friends if we knew each other in person. I AM EXACTLY THE SAME WAY! Fear and worry is something I have to pray about- all the time! I will not even go into the kitchen at night, because I am scared someone will be standing there. I live in probably one the safest little towns in america, but if I so much as hear a creak in the ceiling I am all pins and needles.
ReplyDeleteWhat I do find is that I get worried/scared about things that never actually happen. When bad things do actually happen, I find that I am a heck of a lot stronger than I thought I was. It's like God gives you the strength, when you really need it.
I think that you are a whole lot stronger than you even know.
This is really cheesy-- but I heard a pastor say this one: F.E.A.R. stands for False Evidence Appearing Real. SO CHEESY... but so true.
Have a great day , girl!
Oh I'm right there with you. Since my husband travels so much, we have an alarm that I turn on the moment I enter the house. I also have a cat...and while she's not good at guarding me, she is a good reflector of good and evil - if she's scared, then I'm scared. But yeah, I'm the same way.
ReplyDeleteOh- this is so comforting to know I am not alone in what my husband thinks is "totally unnecessary". I always forget to get water before going to bed and then I am too scared to go into the kitchen and get it, so I sweet talk him into getting it for me... he always get's SO mad, but he always does it ;0)
ReplyDeleteoh, I have the same fear! You are not alone. I pray constantly if I go home alone and we have a lightbulb that comes on automaticaly at night on the porch. It makes me feel better that it looks like someone is home.
ReplyDelete