Waiting

Waiting on God can be a tough thing to do, especially if your me when I go ahead and get the job done on my own time. I know that in the end, the pay off of waiting is amazing, but still every time I'm asked to wait on him, I get ansie and impatient.

As you've probably read already, Jon and I started to work with the Youth Ministry at New Heights Church in Yucaipa (well, start one). It has been a long couple of months trying to figure out the details of the job as well as hear God's voice in all of it. There were times we were excited and times we thought that it might not be for us, but we kept praying that if it wasn't where we needed to be that God would just SHUT the door (because we were having a hard time hearing his voice over our own). Well, last night God gave us a blessing we KNOW we didn't deserve.

Finances have been one of the toughest things we as a couple are trying to figure out. Since we've moved to Yucaipa, we actually got in more debt than we ever thought we could without owning a single significant thing. And so it seemed endless. Then things began to fall into place that didn't allow us to live a lavish lifestyle but instead financially prepare our nest for our hopeful baby to be. A loved one(s) donated a vehicle to us so that we can sell one of our vehicles in order to pay off a huge debt we had accumulated. PRAISE GOD! Then out of no where, the church offered us a financial situation that could put Jon and I at ease with making our monthly rent each month as well as our major bills (because renting a house can lead to a $300 electricity bill). Jon and I couldn't believe that God would allow us to have another chance to financially start over so that we could responsibly plan for a family of more than just us two.

You would think that story would be enough for us to wait patiently on God, but it gets tougher. Friday morning I got a call from my OBGYN that after Thursday's internal ultrasound they were unable to hear the heartbeat of our little one. He continued to say that this raises a lot of concerns and he wanted to prepare me for a possible miscarriage. I couldn't fathom. Though my baby is so little for most to consider human, to me that is my child! Both Jon and I made it a point to see this tiny thing as our baby! I couldn't hold in my fears and emotionally I lost it. I was afraid that this baby was dead inside me and there was nothing I could do. So I prayed. Well, first I begged. I begged my God to miraculously save my child. I begged him to have made it a mistake on behalf of the ultrasound technician for not finding the heartbeat that was there.

After begging so loud I'm certain my neighbors heard, my prayers turned to loud praises of knowing that my God would never take joy away from me, that this miscarriage is not of his desire. So I said that if we lost this baby, it would have to be because God has such a bigger story to come from this. This pain would not go in vain. I called Jon because I didn't know what else to do. So he answered the phone only to hear his crying wife (which probably didn't make matters so great for him since he was at work and there wasn't much he could do) and he comforted me and encouraged me to continue on my day (I had plans with a lady from church to visit with her for lunch and go baby boutique browsing).

The one thing the doctor did say as a ray of hope was that they would have to wait for Monday's blood results. That meant that I had to wait 'till Monday. When it's the life of your child on the line, a few days seems like an unending lifetime. But I can say that God gave me peace to finally sleep through Saturday's nights rest (Friday night was when all heck broke loose emotionally, POOR JON). Another hope came from my baby within. He or she continued to make me so sick to my stomach that I never thought I would leave that toilet.

As I was typing I got a call from my doctor's office scheduling me for another blood test and internal ultrasound. Not because they so desperately are afraid I had a miscarriage, but get this, because they don't have my last weeks blood test results with them. AHHH!!! Seriously God, how long are you going to test my trust in you?

Ultimately I know that either way, there is nothing I can do but trust that My God has everything under his control! All praise and glory go to God for his peace surpasses all understanding!!!