No Mom Talk Monday

Goodness, I have to say that I probably shouldn't have read Courtney's blog post before I wrote mine.  She so beautifully wrote about some tough things she's dealing with, and although this blog world tends to "follow" give aways, contest, and happy styled blogs (which there is nothing wrong with), I love when a blogger lets me into a piece of the real person they are.  And that's exactly what Courtney did.  Her honesty and transparency, although I'm sure so hard for her, was absolutely beautiful.  It was raw.  It was real.  And I encourage each of you to read it, because I think there's a piece of each of us that can relate to her on so many levels.  And with her 30 Days of Truth and No Mom Talk Monday... I start with day 1.

Sometimes I wonder if we've been black listed.  Like our names were put on this list that says "Do Not Hire."  I believe and trust whole heartedly in my husband and the choices he makes.  I've trusted his recent actions and I don't think he has to put up with some things he has been just because.  And that because, I think, is me. 

I still struggle with my past choices.  I still blame myself a little for leading us to where we are now.  I'm praying God makes the best of what I've done, but I don't always believe it.  I know... weak.  I can hear all the responses already.  I can hear the uplifting and the condoning.  My mind knows, but my heart has yet to get there.  

It wasn't Jon's idea to leave the Ranch.  He didn't want to.  I did.  I did because I was deep into the emotions that took over me right after giving birth.  And what I did made a lot of people angry.  It hurt a lot of innocent hearts.  And it left a big hole that I'm begging God to fill. Sometimes I find myself joyfully moving on and accepting the Grace in forgiveness.  Other days, like days when our bank account is about dried up and my husband is at his wits end and tempted to join the military, and days when people say things like "I told you so" or "You need to step it up", I give into the thoughts that say, "this is your fault".  Yup, I hate those thoughts.  But sometimes I embrace them, because its easier to blame something than it is to move on.

And those thoughts are becoming stronger and stronger the closer we get to Christmas.  Because Christmas will be just days away from 1 year since we said our tearful goodbyes.  And I can be thankful for those that came in after us, swooped up our loves under their wings and loved on them harder than they were before.  I can be thankful for the life they're living now and the love their experiencing.  These are all good things.  And they have probably moved on and that I can sing in joy for... 

But I have not.  And I loathe that about myself.  And I have myself to hold accountable for that.  This is a process.  A process I hope speeds up.  I do.  I want to be able to rejoice in the good and the bad.  Because I know I don't have it that bad.  In perspective, I have so much to sing about.  So I'll try to sing over the thoughts.  I'll sing over the failures and maybe, in time, the sound of my melodies will rise up over the white noise of my past failures.